Not Yet
by LittleLizzieZentara
Summary: What if Kate had replied to Castle's 'Just like us' statement in 4x02 'Heroes & Villians' with more than 'Hmmm' What would she have said? Why would she have said it? And what would Castle do as a result? Spoilers for all episodes through 4x02 'Heroes & Villians.'


**This little one-shot has been rattling around in my brain for months. I've had to wait until I could watch 'Heroes & Villians' again to get a full handle on it. And then my muse surprised me and turned it into a first person narrative. I had never contemplated doing one of those, but once I decided to go with it the story just spilled out. And to avoid any possible confusion, the POV is Kate's.**

**Disclaimer: LOL My brain is too full of Caskett shipper fangirl freakout to think of anything more clever than that at the moment. Just know I have the utmost respect for the genius of Andrew Marlowe, who IS the creator of Castle. Is there anyone who is not aware of that most important of names to the Castle universe and Caskett shippers in particular?**

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I've always been a sucker for happy endings. I don't see them much in my line of work; justice is usually the most I can hope for.

But not today.

Standing next to my writer-

Wait.

My writer?

Can I really call him that?

Well, I am his muse….

And he did say that it upsets him to see me with other writers.

He even thanked me when I said I was 'a one writer girl.'

Okay, then. Yeah. My writer.

Anyway, as I was saying….

I was standing next to my writer, watching Officer Ann Hastings and her writer, Paul Whittaker, head to the elevators. Theirs is definitely a happy ending. Paul was willing to do everything he could to keep Ann out of prison, even make a false confession of murder. In the end, though, we found proof that the real killer was Tony the Butcher.

"A writer and his muse fighting crime," Castle said his tone contemplative.

I didn't bother to try to hide my smile, both at his words and my joy at watching Paul and Ann holding hands as they stepped into the elevator together.

"Hmmm," I replied. I didn't want to ruin the sweet moment with words. But Castle's words knocked up against that wall inside me. Longing swept over my heart in a powerful wave.

Then he just _had_ to say it.

"Just like us." This time his tone wasn't contemplative. It was clear. Calm. Sure.

And the words tumbled out before I could stop them.

"I wish."

The longing in those two syllables reverberated in my ears.

What was the matter with me? I usually have better control than this!

I heard Castle's gasp but I wouldn't let myself look in his direction.

I couldn't.

I wasn't ready for this.

Not that I hadn't meant it. The longing was blazing though me, flames licking at the wall that kept me from just diving in head first.

I meant it. I just hadn't meant to admit it.

Not this soon.

Then _it _happened.

The happy couple drifted even closer, reaching for each other. Their lips met in a kiss that Castle and I only caught a glimpse of before the elevator doors closed.

I bit my lip to keep any more words from escaping but I couldn't hide the blush that reddened my cheeks.

Because I wished for that, too.

That long-ago kiss Castle and I had shared had just been enough to whet my appetite.

Now I was starving for the main course.

But if I gave into my feelings now, before the wall came down, it could ruin everything. I could lose him forever because I didn't have the patience to wait.

He said he would wait, but that was a moot point if I couldn't. He would follow my lead but it was ridiculous to think that he would show more restraint than I could.

Castle had this sixth sense about what I needed. Would he give me space or-

His hand taking a firm hold of mine answered my unvoiced question.

"Kate…"

His tone had a touch of uncertainty in it.

He was still letting me call the shots, then.

I turned my head then, looking into his deep blue eyes that were so tender, so hopeful.

And I couldn't do it.

The wall was still there.

I wasn't ready for the kind of relationship I really wanted with this man.

But I had to give him what I could.

Starting with-

"Castle, not here."

If I was going to talk to him, really talk, it couldn't be at the precinct. Not where Esposito and Ryan-or even worse, Gates-could overhear.

The flash of disappointment that crossed his face swept away any doubts that lingered. He would accept it, whatever I could give him.

I hated that I could give him so little right now.

But better a little now than less than nothing later.

I squeezed his hand before letting my hand drop to my side.

"Meet me at the park?" I asked.

I knew I didn't need to clarify which one. It hadn't been that long ago that we'd had that talk on the swings.

He nodded and followed me to the elevators.

We didn't say anything as we rode the elevator together and went to our separate cars. I was surprised that Castle remained quiet, although I probably shouldn't have been. It wasn't often that I opened up about things with someone-I did it more often with him than anyone else, except maybe Lanie-and he never failed to let me know how honored he felt to know even the smallest of details about my life. In the beginning I thought it was just for research to make Nikki Heat a well-rounded character. But I've known for over a year that wasn't it. He saw my level of trust in him, our close friendship, as a privilege that he never wanted to take for granted.

That's how I wanted to be.

That's how I was _going_ to be.

Once I got my crap together.

Which was why I couldn't ruin what we had built by rushing things.

My issues had already done more than enough damage.

The minutes it took to drive to the park dragged. As soon as we had settled down in our swings, I began. Taking that old 'just rip the bandage off' advice to heart, I started with the most difficult confession first.

"I lied, at the hospital." I whispered. I meant to have my voice be strong and clear when I said the words, but I couldn't manage it. Fear of his reaction and guilt for lying about something so important made anything above a whisper impossible.

Castle was silent for so long I wondered if he was just going to get up and walk away.

Finally he spoke.

"Why?"

The pain in the one word caused a lump of barely repressed tears to lodge in my throat. I took a few deep, shuddering breaths before I could reply.

"It was just too much," I admitted. "It was too big. Not just what you said, but everything-losing Montgomery, getting shot…I couldn't face it. Any of it. For weeks it was all I could do to place one foot in front of the other and face the day."

"I would have helped you, Kate," Castle interjected.

"You couldn't, Castle," I replied with a swift shake of my head. "Having you there would have just made everything worse. I was a mess. I still am. I can't explain it. I would help you understand if I could, but I don't even understand it. Not really."

"So what can I do, Kate? You said I couldn't help you then. What about now?"

"You've helped more than you know, Castle," I told him. "But that wall isn't going anywhere. I meant it, Castle. I wish we were at the same point as Officer Hastings and Paul Whittaker. But we're not; I'm not. I don't want to make excuses. I just want to put in the time, do the work."

"Do the work?"

"I'm seeing someone, a therapist. He's helping me work through everything."

I wondered if Castle would be jealous that I was talking to a man that was little more than a stranger rather than to him. His next words told me my worries were groundless.

"I'm glad, Kate," he said. "I just want you to have what you need, and if he can give it you, then that's enough."

"For now?" I asked with a slight smile.

He nodded with a small smile of his own. "For now. But Kate, if there is anything you need…"

"Wait for me?"

Good grief, I sounded like a little girl with the way that came out. Nothing I could do about that now.

"Even if it takes another four years," Castle was quick to reply.

Another four years?

I'd never make it. I'd be lucky to keep the required distance for a year. I'm not sure if I'd be capable of more than two, no matter how bad my issues were.

The heartfelt words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Another four years? I sure HOPE not!"

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**So what do you guys think? Did the first person POV work?**


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